A Blogger's Exhibitionism

My thoughts are keeping me up. I'm fighting the impulse to do something out of the ordinary. And believe me, I'm a big fan of the ordinary. The same . The predictable. But I feel like being a little freer than that tonight. Like just writing my thoughts. From one boring thought to the next.

I'm not a fan of physical exhibitionism, but tonight I think I'll try that of the mental sort.

So I'm stepping out on a limb and letting you in on how my brain works. I'm assuming that you care, because if you're reading this then I feel that's a pretty safe assumption, so I won't even feed the paranoid thoughts tonight of what you think.

So this is how it works...

"I'm tired.(funny that's always my first thought) And hungry. And thirsty. But way more tired than hungry or thirsty. I should really drink some water so I won't have a headache tomorrow because of dehydration from being too tired to go drink some water. Actually, since I'm already thirsty, I'm more than likely already a tad dehydrated. I better go drink. Now I'm too awake. I shouldn't have had COLD water. I should have had it warm like hot tea, and then it would have kept me sleepy.

I wonder if Matt's sleepy in Nashville. I wonder if he's thinking about us. I bet he's sleeping right now. I hope the boys sleep until 10 o'clock in the morning. That would be awesome! Yea, right. They'll be up at the butt-crack of dawn.

Maybe I'll mow the lawn for Matt in the morning as a surprise. Naaaa. Too hot, even at the butt-crack of dawn. I guess I'll clean tomorrow. I wish I had a maid. If I had a maid, I would spend all day tomorrow outside with the kids. Especially if it's raining. I love to be out in the rain in the summer time. It's like a cool gift.

Wilson loved all his gifts today. It was his third Birthday. He got crocs, nerds, chalk, a coloring book, a bike, a soccer ball, a hot wheel, and a key board.

I wish I had kept up my piano lessons better. Maybe I would be famous today. Maybe I would be so good that people would pay to hear me play. Oooo....what if I was and I had a big concert, but I had really bad cramps or something or I was tired like tonight, and didn't feel in the mood do go on? I would hate being famous in that hour. I would hate sleeping on a bus. I would want to be in my bed at home with Matt & the kids.

My kids don't sleep in my bed. They have their own beds. I wonder if I'll have any more kids. I'm fine with three, but sometimes it just surprises you.

I hate surprises. I love being "in the know". I like predictability. It feels safer than surprises.

I wish I was more spontaneous. I'm too much of a planner. I'm not a big"go with the flow" kind of girl. Unless I planned the flow, of course, then I'm much more apt to go with it.

This feels like spontaneity. Maybe I'm doing what I actually hate right now. Maybe I'm OK with it after all. Maybe I'll like it tomorrow. Maybe I'll do something crazy tomorrow like only use two scoops of coffee instead of three. Or tap the coffee scoop on the drawer only once instead of three times. I wonder if the grounds would all come off with only one tap? What is it about three anyway? Well, I doubt I'll be OK with this. I bet I delete this tomorrow. What is tomorrow? Oh yeah. Saturday.

I'm hungry.

How boring is this?? Why am I writing this? Why would anyone in there right mind want to read my thoughts? Why don't I just think my thoughts and not feel the need to type them out?

There is something freeing about it, I guess. Not sure what, but it feels a bit like running naked across a football field. I've always identified a tiny bit with those "crazies" that did that. Not saying I would do it, but the impulse to do something off the wall sometimes hits me like a freight train, and I have to make myself not act on it.

For example, when Matt drives up the driveway from work, I often get the overwhelming urge to hide in the house and jump out and scare him. Or hide in the bushes and soak the neighbors down with the hose when they're playing in their yard. Sometimes I want to get a running head start and flip onto someones furniture without them knowing about it, before they get into the room.

I must sound like a crazy person. I feel like one sometimes. Maybe I don't talk about my heart enough. Maybe I need to actually be a heart exhibitionist instead of a thought stripper.

But I think I'd rather run naked across a football field.