My Mysterious Shape

Wake up and breathe in deeply... another day.

The first sounds of daylight are treasured silence. Then comes the whispering of a hungry child in my ear... "Mommy I'm firsty and I need brea-fast"

My sweatshirt hangs crooked and inside out as I try to wipe the sleep from my eyes long enough to kiss and hug each of my guys on their way out the door. Their hurried feet smack on the tile as lunchboxes, backpacks and a briefcase are snatched up in a frenzy. And before I'm fully awake, they're headed straight out the door and full on into another day of the oncoming fusing of longing & fear in the mass of humanity trying desperately to fit in.

I take a deep breath, trying to decide whether I had rather smile or cry. I acknowledge the ambivalence I feel with wanting them to leave for school and work and wishing they could stay home with me. I want both. I enjoy both. After a few moments of pondering (quite deeply I might add and for longer than you might envision) I realize that by later today, I will have HAD both. So I move on.

Yesterday was my birthday. So I can't help the retrospective thoughts and feelings that flood me as I think of my life. I'm 33 years alive. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm just beginning to live. How is it to live in my skin? In my life? With ALL of my life? Past, present and future. How is it to be Abbey? To be "Christ in Abbey", as my counselor repetitively puts it.

Christ in Abbey.

That's pretty amazing, right? I mean, Christ Jesus...the very Son of the Creator of the universe, hanging out with me. Loving me in life and loving me in death. That's a pretty big deal. So big in fact, that the only words I can think to say about it is that it's a pretty big deal.

My mind is swelling with thoughts of all that He's been showing me of Himself in recent years. Slowly revealing little bits of Himself to me. A full revelation would be overwhelming I'm certain, so I feel thankful today for the slowness. And I usually hate slowness. But I surely see the good in it here.

I think of this past year's journey for me. A journey into a deeper look at my life. Taking a look even into the dark places that I've known... Taking ownership of them as a part of my story instead of allowing them to have ownership over me. I claim them with the reluctance of a child bending over to receive a spanking, but I'm easing out of denial none the less. It's been tough. I've befriended denial and shame with the kind of loyalty that will surely never be completely undone on earth. Even so, I can at very least admit that my 33 years do in fact, include some ugly scenes that I had rather think are not mine. But I've come to realize they are not only part of me, but have given my journey a unique shape.

I love this quote...
"Your life as you have lived it is way back yonder in time. But you are still living, and your living life, expectations subtracted, has a shape, and the shape of it includes the past."
Hannan Coulter by Wendell Berry

I would like to see with my own eyeballs, the shape of my life. I like to think that it could not be contained in a single picture and only God Himself could paint it. I would like to see that painting in it's completion...to walk into a full understanding of it. But for now, I'll take the single strokes in the glimpses, as I continue to imagine, with wonder, my mysterious shape.

Right now, all I can see in my head is the shape of a turkey and cheese sandwhich which I must go eat. I'm starving.